Sorry about my lack in writing lately. I've had a very stressful several days and I haven't exactly found the desire to write much of anything. Today, however, I found a little bit of drive and began writing letters of gratitude to different people in my life. I feel like it'll help me to be more grateful for everything and everyone that's in my life.
Anyways, lately I've been feeling really down. And I can't explain why. It just kind of happens.
I've been feeling very lonely lately. I feel like I've been abandoned, forgotten, rejected, and pushed away by just about everyone around me here lately. It's caused some pretty negative thoughts to come upon me and has attacked my brain quite a bit. I know I'm not really alone as the people who truly love me and care are still there. I just feel sometimes like they don't care and that thought hurts me.
Loneliness is not a pleasant feeling. I personally have a fear of rejection. I know from experience what it's like to not feel like you have anyone on your side. This first occurred a few years ago when I was about 17 and it's been happening again here lately. I've noticed significant changes to my daily personal life that have perhaps affected me more than I originally believed. I feel like certain people are shoving me out the door in a sense and they want nothing to do with me. Is that really true though? I have no idea. I feel like we all feel like that at a certain point or another though.
During this time of sheer bitter loneliness, I have found a small, yet driving force help me ever so slightly. Hope. Hope has played a huge role in the last year of my life and I can say truthfully, has helped me overcome the greatest obstacles of my life.
When I was serving as a full time missionary in Italy in the city of Milan, I received a phone call from my mission president(essentially the man in charge of us missionaries), telling me that my father had had a heart attack. I remember being filled with fear and even rage to a certain extent. I was serving the Lord with all my heart. How or why would He let that happen? I didn't know. I distinctly remember getting down on my knees and asking God what His will was and what it was that He needed me to understand. That night, I was reading in the Book of Mormon. I read in Ether chapter 12 verse 4, which states:
"Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with suretyhope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God."
This verse of scripture touched my heart and helped me understand that despite the difficulties that were before me, I needed to have hope. I needed to believe that things would eventually get better, even if I didn't understand why they were happening. And eventually, things got better. It got easier. I was able to push through all of the long, difficult days even when I just wanted to throw in the towel.
I feel like my life right now is the same. I feel alone. I feel very down about a lot of different things. However, what little drive I have left to hope is still pushing me. I have hope and faith that things will get better. I will one day understand. I don't understand now, but that's okay. In the end none of us are ever truly alone. God is always there. He loves us. His Son, Jesus Christ is that driving source of hope that always pushes us along. But there's a catch, we have to let Him in. He won't push us forward if we don't let Him. So let Him in.